||: Fine Dining

||: Good food has always been among my passions. Next to music, eating has, is, and will always be an integral part of my life. I am not stating this primarily as a biological fact, but rather more of a psychosocial thing. I eat when I celebrate life's victories. I eat to nurse my sometimes wounded soul. I eat to bond with friends. I eat to offset my sleep deficits. I eat for any reason that one can think of in between.


||: Personally, I view eating and good food as a total experience. Through eating, you get to travel without moving. You get to experience different cultures first-hand sans a time machine. You get to exude wellness through the comfort, security, and general well-being that you get from good food. You also get to feel the love and effort that goes with how the food was prepared.


||: Having said more than enough to show how much I love food, it dawned upon me that my salary-less days is leading my gastronomical adventures into a bottleneck. I used to splurge A LOT on food. I wouldn't care how much something would cost as long as it can be delectably justified. For now, I am sadly in a state of eating-for-the-sake-of-survival. This brings me to this very moving short film that I want to share. Its entitled Fine Dining and is directed by Lance Katigbak. Watch and see the best fine dining experience anyone can have...


||: Watch HERE

||: The Ketchup Freak and the Four-Eyed Dimwit

||: Since the beginning of the year, I have come to "re-discover" eating at the hospital's co-op canteen. Being item-less and going about with no salary for my final year of training, the said canteen has once again become my first choice for meals whenever food from the dietary would rather make me and the patients choose death over eating their fare.


||: Anyway, my frequent visits at the co-op canteen reminded me of an unforgettable experience with a person who I haven't seen for the longest time. Either she already died or was already treated, I really don't know for sure. What I know is that I realized I miss seeing her in the place where I usually see her... (you guessed it right!) the co-op canteen. Well, here's her story...




||: I had been wanting to write about this for months, I just didn't have the time. This incident happened a few months back, during those times when I was still living the life of a pauper because I still wasn't receiving my salary and didn't have the guts to still ask my parents for allowance.


||: I was with a co-resident at the co-op canteen having late dinner. It was about 10pm that time and we just finished doing some backlog ORs. We decided to have dinner before going home, and with the cash that we had, our only option was, naturally, the co-op canteen.


||: I recall having chicken that night. While feasting on what my wallet could afford, I noticed an old woman moving around the canteen. She was shuffling from one table to another, apparently looking for something. I couldn't extinguish my curiosity so my eyes followed her saccadically, finding out later that what she was looking for was ketchup!


||: I, too, tried to look for ketchup earlier for my chicken, but the server told me that they ran out of the condiment. That was fine with me, since I'm not really a condiment freak. But the old woman was remarkably persistent! Despite her seming difficulty in walking, she pursued going from table to table to check out each red plastic container for --what else, but-- ketchup.

||: "Ang arte naman nito," I thought to myself. "Ketchup freak. Can't she eat without ketchup?!"

||: Finally, I noticed that she was heading back to her table with a red plastic ketchup bottle. She placed a saucer in front of her and then perseveringly squeezed out every single drop of ketchup that she could out of the plastic container. After having a small pool of the condiment on her saucer, she seemed satisfied and put the ketchup bottle aside.

||: "Finally, she can eat," my thought bubble popped above me. But what happened next made me cringe in disgust. Not on the ketchup freak but on me. With her ketchup that barely filled a quarter of her small saucer, she took out a packet of crackers and dipped a piece before taking small bites. That was her dinner. That could also have been her only meal for the day. I really wanted to barf at myself that time. It really felt horrible to have thought of her that way.

||: An Ophtha resident whom I knew came in the canteen to buy a drink and saw her. The old woman was apparently her patient. She called out to her and asked her what she was doing in the hospital that late. I overheard her answer that she was there for her check-up at the OPD the following day. I felt worse.

||: I took out my wallet in an attempt to buy her something decent to eat. To my dismay, I only had twenty pesos left and a few coins in my pocket. Since it was already late, there were no longer twenty-peso treats (lugaw, pansit, spaghetti, sopas, mami, sandwiches, etc.) in the canteen. With enough change for a jeepney ride home, I got her a pack of puto worth fourteen pesos... something which could never erase my guilt from thinking bad thoughts of her. Even until now.

||: I saw her again a few weeks back. She never fails to remind me not to be judgmental and to never think badly of anyone. I still feel guilty about how badly I judged the "ketchup freak."

||: As for the four-eyed dimwit, I guess by now you know who he is.

||: Buhay, Kamatayan, Pag-ibig, Pagmamahal

||: "May mga sandaling katulad nito na ang pagharap sa salamin ay pagtitig sa sariling kabaong -- sinusuri ang katawan, ang balat, ang kabuuan. Nakasaksi ako ng maraming kamatayan: pagkaluoy ng bulaklak, pagpiglas ng tangkay ng halaman, pagbagsak ng maya sa lupa.

||: Ngunit paano kung ang pumanaw ay pag-ibig?

||: Binalikan ko ang salamin, ang aking katawan. Hindi ako maaaring mamatay. Sa sarili mismo maunang mabuhay ang pagmamahal..."

||: Talk to the Wall!

||: Ekaw ba'y nalolongkot? Walang magawa at walang makaosap? Pwes, eto ang pader... kausapin mo! Hehehe!

||: These grafitti are so funny. They're a collection of the works of witty vandals compiled from the different nooks and crannies of Diliman Republic. Just a warning, though: parental guidance is advised for some adult language. Read on...

||: FA Wall:
            "nobody cares"
        somebody answered:
            "not even the carebears?"
        then another:
            "not even kier?"
        then:
            "not even zoren?"
        lastly:
            "not even zorro?"
        all written by different people.

||: AS:
        AS chairs:
            "push button to eject seatmate"
            "push button to eject urself"
            "push button to kill teacher"
            "push button to eject teacher"
        ...reply:
            "it's jammed! We're doomed!"

        AS cubicle:
            "Donate your bulbol here..." tapos may chewing gum na pagdidikitan...

        AS chair :
            you know bobo? bobo is you!

        AS 1st floor CR:
            if you forget the past, then you porget the purious...

        AS 1st floor CR uli:
            Im a simple gay
        tapos me sumagot
            sira! Dapat Im simple and gay! Taga peyups ka ba? duh!
        tapos me sumagot ulit (with matching arrow pa na nakaturo dun sa reply)
            sira ka rin! yung simple is used as an adjective tapos yung gay is used as a noun.
            kaya ok lang yung simple gay nya!

||: CHEM:
        Chem chair:
            push button to spray acid on prof's face.

        Another chem chair:
            You Boron!!!

||: BIO:
        Bio chair:
            "Push cadaver to haunt teacher.

||: FO Santos:
        SA MGA NAGTATAPON NG BASURA DITO... bawal.

||: ENG'G:
        Sa Men's CR, facing the urinal:
            "Hawak ko saking mga kamay ang kinabukasan ng bayan!"
        Reply:
            "the future you are holding is very small."

||: GAB:
        sa likod ng armchair sa isang room sa GAB: takas ng ward 7

||: MATH:
        sa cr sa may math building:
            SUMAPI SA NPA!
        may sumagot:
            PAANO?
        may sumagot pa:
            MAGFILL UP NG COUPON AT IHULOG SA PINAKAMALAPIT NA DROP BOX
            SA SUKING TINDAHAN!

        sa math building, sa likod ng isang teachers chair sa 3rd floor:
            BABALA: asawa ni babalu

        sa math 3rd floor, sa isang upuan uli.
            "you'll NEVER find what you're looking for"
        May nag-reply:
            "find x."

        sa math 3rd floor, sa isa pang upuan uli. nakasulat sa armchair:
            F*CK DA WORLD!
        ta's may sumagot:
            F*CK U TOO! --WORLD

        3rd floor math cr:
            "kaibigan, pagkapatos mong umihi, paki PLUS mo naman, hehehe."

||: UPIS
        sa loob ng music room.
            maam _______(music prof) boses palaka!
        tas may sumagot
            nakarinig ka na ba ng boses ng palaka
        tas may sumagot uli
            weh
        tas may nag-react uli
            oo, sabi kokak! kokak!

||: VINZONS:
        Wall ng vinzons
            "Do not steal. The government hates competition"

        men's cr sa Vinzons:
            "remember: the hands that clean this toilet are the same hands that cook
             your food."

        men's cr waaaay above the urinal:
            "if you can reach this, the fire department wants you!"

||: NIGS:
        sa isang upuan:
            "f*ck nigs!"
        may nagreply:
            "who's nigs?"

||: MAIN LIB
        Sa isang lamesa ng main lib, filipiniana section:
            UP STUDENTS HAS BECOME PATETHIC"
        tapos may sumagot...
            "mali pang grammar at spelling mo, halatang di ka taga UP"

||: KALAI:
        Nietzsche - "God is dead"
        God - "Nietzsche is dead!"

||: SC:
        sa labas ng PNB:
            in case of emergency break ass and push butt
            (binura ang GL sa GLass and ON sa buttON)
        sa girls CR:
            Bawal ang vandal Dito!...
            Mommy said: First Aid Terramycin

        sa girls CR uli:
            My boyfriend and I had sex and now Im pregnant
        Reply:
            Pray to God

||: Expeliarmus! Confundo! ... Eureka!

||: It's dawning on me that I now have a little less than 11 months before I finish my residency training in General Surgery. Time indeed flies fast. It seems just like a few months back when I passed the Medical Licensure board exam and was somewhat clueless as to what specialty to pursue.


||: Looking back, I stumbled upon an old blog post from my Multiply site, which I am reposting for the sake of reminiscing...






||: Yesterday was one helluva day. It started with everything going smoothly and according to plan. I woke up early, even had time for a leisurely breakfast, arrived at PRC before it opened its gates at a little past eight. I was able to register, get my other license, and request for a certification all in less than an hour!

||: At around 9 o'clock, I was already in Robinson's Place Manila, having a second breakfast --err, make it mid-morning snack, hehe!-- at Gonuts Donuts, while waiting for Flo. We were supposed to go together to Dasma for our batch's thanksgiving mass (and for the college's pa-lunch and our beloved Dr. RA's pa-dinner). Since she unexpectedly had to attend to 2 patients, I went ahead at around 11 o'clock. Although I was running late, I was able to make it just in time for the Gospel. Things are still going smoothly and just according to plan.

||: Lunch was very pleasant since I got to see classmates and former mentors which I haven't seen since we graduated. After luncheon, some of us took advantage of already being in Dasma and went to the registrar's office to file requests for some documents which we will be needing for residency. While queueing at the cashier's, Alysees asked me about my plans and I told him how I was waiting for the DOH Integrated Residency Program for surgery. Suddenly, his girlfriend Leah, also a classmate, told me that Nyok, our classmate and my co-intern under the DOH Integrated Internship, already applied and was to start pre-res on Monday! Huwhaaaaaaaat!!!!

||: I really felt like I just performed the Expelliarmus and Confundo spells simultaneously... ON MYSELF! All the while I really thought application would start in September or October and pre-res would begin on October or November, as was customary. I was wobbly-kneed all throughout the afternoon, while Flo, Candy, Ayen, Aldwych, and I were killing time in SM before RA's dinner party. I felt like I got a solid upper-cut from Manny Pacquiao in the gut! I haven't submitted my application yet and pre-res was less than 5 days away!

||: Upon hearing the info yesterday, I really wanted to go home (stat! asap! immediately! right now!) and rest! But I chose not to be KJ and stayed on until the party (which I enjoyed, especially the food! Thanks, Sir RA!) and even went home later than some.

||: Today, I was supposed to go to the DOH Integration Office at NKTI and East Avenue MedicalCenter first thing in the morning. But I was in denial and ended up sleeping most of the day and went there at the last hour -- at 4 in the afternoon! O, diba, pasaway? Hehehe!

||: I found out through Ma'am Glenda, the ever gracious and accomodating secretary of the DOH Integration Office, that USec Jade del Mundo was still processing the accreditation of the Integrated Surgery Program of DOH. Since they still lacked some papers, they decided to do a semi-integration, still with the 5 DOH Specialty Hospitals: Philippine Heart Center, National Kidney and Transplant Institute, Lung Center of the Philippines, Philippine Children's Medical Center, and East Avenue Medical Center (as the mother hospital), while its not yet official. So I was told to hand in my application there, instead, since it will eventually be the Integrated Program once they finish working-on the accreditation.

||: Since the pasaway me went late, I wasn't able to catch the secretary of the Department of Surgery, but a resident, Dr. Jiju Garcia assured me that they were still accepting applications. Besides, Ma'am Glenda mentioned that Dr. Nilo delos Santos, the DOH Integration Coordinator and surgery consultant at East Avenue, said that he would accept anyone who had their internship with DOH. Oh well, I'll just go back tomorrow then... early this time, I'll make sure! Hehehe!

||: Anyway, why is it that it always seems that I am under the Expelliarmus and Confundo spells... and self-inflicted, at that?! I am always clueless with application deadlines! I feel lika a Ron Weasly- or perhaps a Neville Longbottom-incarnate whose spells almost always backfire on them. This same cluelessness caused my delay in entering med school and the very reason why I wasn't able to apply in PGH, although I am perfectly happy and proud to have graduated from La Salle -- and would not have it any other way, if ever given the chance to start things all over again!

||: Although my anxiety was tamed by the assurance that they're still accepting applications, I still continue to pray for guidance as to where my career is heading. As you see, I believe God has been behind my med-life all throughout... and always in the nick of time. You see, from the very beginning, I was clueless when the NMAT was and how one applies for it. Through a classmate, Taj, I learned everything I needed to know about it and I even got to prepare for it well. I also recall I was in CDO for Christmas when I found out that the deadline for submission of application for PGH was on that very same day... and that the other med schools' deadlines were also over! When I got back in Manila after the holidays, I found out that La Salle was still accepting applications, when Flo invited me and another classmate (Shana) to study there with her. And as I've said earlier, I am perfectly happy and proud to have graduated from La Salle -- and would not have it any other way, if ever given the chance to start things all over again! The curriculum's perfect! I mean, with a semi-PBL/modular curriculum, I got to experience both the problem-based learning and traditional curriculum -- the two ways of teaching medicine. And since its a Catholic university, I really am proud how our medical education (including the community and our classmates/friends) moulded us to become Christian doctors.

||: The story doesn't end there. When we were applying for internship matching, I already submitted my form (with East Avenue Medical Center as my first choice)  when again, the clueless me, found out about the DOH Integrated Internship that was based in NKTI. But when I received my acceptance/matching letter at East Avenue, it accompanied a letter which informed me that there have been changes in their program since the DOH Integrated Internship has been formalized, making EAMC officially part of the integration! And, had I not attended the thanksgiving mass at school, I wouldn't have known about the changes in the schedule of the application deadline and pre-residency.

||: I believe God is behind all these last-minute twists. This evening while hearing mass, I prayed for Him to continue guiding me and bringing me to where He wants me to go. And then I came into a realization that the cluelessness that's making me miss out things is the very same cluelessness that's allowing me to let God lead me and plan things for me in exactly the way He wants it to be -- the perfect way!

||: Although the perpetually clueless me continues to cast the Expelliarmus and Confundo spells on myself, I am thankful that God is always there to make my mistakes serendipitous... Eureka!




||: PROLOGUE: For the record, I'm glad I was led into pursuing Surgery. I couldn't imaging myself in another specialty! ü

||: One (More) Chance

||: DISCLAIMER: This old blog entry is being reposted FOR a friend (hopefully this would somehow help) and NOT for any other reasons.

||: One of the luxuries that my so-called vacation has been affording me is unlimited TV time. We have this what we call legally illegal cable TV access. Confusing? Well, in our building, most units have cable TV access. The unit in front of ours, the one to our right, above, below, and even the one to our left (in the other building) all have --I think-- CATV connections. And so, with just an ordinary antenna, we have free access to Sky Cable Platinum! Woohoo! The best things in life are indeed free! Hahaha! Although the reception is not as crystal clear, what have I to complain? Besides, the more important channels (Star World, AXN, HBO, National Geographic, Lifestyle Network, etc.) are clear enough to watch for hours without straining my eyes (but the long hours of doing so probably is, hehehe!), especially after midnight when more channels become clearer. That explains our "legally illegal" connection.

||: With such free access, I usually turn the TV on even if I'm not really watching anything, since I only get to do this rarely (labo no?). Anyway, the other night, the TV was on and doing its thing in the background while I was busy catching up on forwarding messages to friends and cousins who text me regularly (including those who don't but matter to me, hehe), when I heard something which literally made me (and the world around me) stop.

||: The dialogue of the guy went something like "5 years, itatapon mo lang ang lahat? Hindi mo man lang ako bibigyan ng isang chance para ayusin ang lahat?"

||: That made me blurt out something that you can spell by pressing SHIFT + all the numeric keys on the top row of your keyboard. Yes, I very rarely curse, and that line made me. Primarily because it brought back very painful memories. It felt like a scab that was covering a slowly healing wound was forcibly taken off causing the wound to rebleed profusely.

||: I stopped what I was doing and focused on the TV. It was, I found out, the trailer of the Star Cinema Movie One More Chance (I see faces smirking and cringeing in disgust... I don't care). I know this may be major baduy to a lot, but I am not ashamed to admit that I was able to relate to the movie (or, at least, to what the trailer showed).

||: The curse wasn't actually for anyone (her, him, or both of them)... no, it was for the pain that I (once again) felt. The trailer really felt like it was reminding me of my not so recent sob story. And as if to add insult to the injury, the trailer goes:

        GIRL: 10 years from now ganto pa rin kaya tayo?

        GUY: 11,12,13,14, forever & ever!

        GIRL: Promise?

        GUY: Promise.

        WHEN LOVE ENDS...

        GUY: 5 years, itatapon mo nang lahat?

        GIRL: Kailangan ko 'to, kailangan mo rin.

        GUY: Pero ikaw ang kailangan ko.

        FRIEND: If kaya pang ayusin, piplitin, but if this is really what both of you need then

                     just be strong, magiging mahirap at masakit pero hopefully all the pain would

                     be worth it...

        HOW LONG SHOULD YOU HOLD ON?

        HOW SOON SHOULD YOU LET GO?

        GUY: Mahal na mahal kita kahit ang sakit na!

||: Was someone listening to our conversations? Or is that what people usually say to each other in situations like this? The last movie I saw was I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which I wasn't even able to finish because of this circumstance: my senior and the rest of my team sneaked out of the hospital one lunch time during pre-duty the other month to eat out and watch a movie at The Block. A little over halfway through the movie, the chief resident was suddenly looking for our senior and was calling him on the phone. We had to leave and rush back to the hospital because he told the chief that we were just having lunch and that he'll be in the office in 10 minutes! Anyway, segue aside, that trailer made me curious enough to want to watch the movie and see how everything ends up. But then again, I don't think I'm masochist enough to risk the possibility of watching a very "similar" story to my own and to relive the pain.

||: That night, I didn't watch TV until the wee hours of dawn as I have been doing for the past few days. And I swore not to watch too much TV anymore. Good thing I'm going back to work again tomorrow. That would make things easier. Diversion of attention, I mean.

||: But just an afterthought: I know this is a bad thought, but I think it would be cathartic to be able to personally say the last few lines shown in the trailer:

        HOW DO YOU MOVE ON?

        GIRL: Ako naman ang my gusto nito diba? Pero bakit ang sakit sakit? Hanggang

                 ngayon umaasa pa rin ako na sabihin mo sa akin na ako pa rin, ako na lang,

                 ako na lang ulit.

        GUY: SHE LOVED ME AT MY WORST, YOU HAD ME AT MY BEST... AND YOU CHOSE

                 TO BREAK MY HEART...

        About how true love waits, hopes, and needs... ONE MORE CHANCE

||: How Doctors Die

||: I recently came across this article on Death and Dying written by another doctor. In his essay, he talked about how he wanted to die and explained why he wanted to go into that goodnight that way. He also delved on how doctors go about managing patients who are dying in a very "enlightening" manner, that I think everyone (especially those in the non-medical fields) should read.

||: Click HERE to read the article.

||: A Warm Cup

||: I nod, looking at the way you hesitate to take my hand, resting so near yours, I know you're already gone.

||: "I will make it easy for both of us," I tell myself.

||: I will forget the feel of your hands on my skin. I will smile and tell you that I'm happy for you because that's what you want to hear, and that is what I want to believe.

||: I will not hope you will be back soon nor say that I wish I were going with you. Instead, I will keep in my mind that there is nothing between us anymore. Its just that the coffee is too warm, and I am so cold...

||: Shoulda Woulda Coulda

||: I always wanted to be someone who never regretted anything, but there came a point in time when I wanted to quit med school (8 months before I was about to graduate) because the trade-offs were so much for me. The last straw was losing who, at that time, was the most important person in my life. What I thought would never end ended 6 years too soon… partly because I was pursuing something else — a dream, which I thought was OURS and not just MINE.

||: Recalling the incidents always make me feel the emotions just like how I felt them the first time. I often wish it were like morphine for which you build tolerance to and increase your threshold for. But pain always stung as if it knew I’d sting right there.

||: Anyway, enough of sad stories. I actually posted this note just to share this wonderful song that I feel captured what I felt at that time. I first heard this song when I was in my second year in med school. I liked the song so much, but I never thought I’d like it for yet another (sad) reason. The song is Shoulda Woulda Coulda by Beverly Knight and it talks about the regrets of a person for putting aside and eventually losing someone because the person was busy loving something (not someone) else. Although in my case, the "putting aside" was not by choice but was dictated by circumstance, by gist they’re the same… the clincher (as best stated by the last line of the song) remains to be "I can’t change your mind…"

||: Enough said, here’s the story (or lyrics), read on (or sing along)…

People say that together we were both sides of the same coin

That we would shine like Venus in a clear night sky

We thought our love could overcome the circumstances

But my ambition wouldn’t allow for compromise

I could see in the distance all the dreams that were clear to me

Every choice I had to make left you on your own

Somehow the road we started down had split asunder

Too late to realise how far apart we’d grown

How I wish I, wish I’d done a little bit more

Now "Shoulda, woulda, coulda" means I’m out of time

Coz "Shoulda, woulda, coulda" can’t change your mind

And I wonder, wonder what I’m gonna do

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda" are the last words of a fool

People ask how it feels to live the kind of life others dream about

I tell them everybody gotta face their highs and their lows

And in my life there’s a love that I put aside

Cause I was busy loving something else

So for every little thing you hold on to, you’ve got to let something else go

How I wish I, wish I’d done a little bit more

Now "Shoulda, woulda, coulda" means I’m out of time

Coz "Shoulda, woulda, coulda" can’t change your mind

And I wonder, wonder what I’m gonna do

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda" are the last words of a fool

If I would now forsake the opportunities are fate

I know I’m right where I belong

But sometimes when I’m not that strong

How I wish I, wish I’d done a little bit more

Now "Shoulda, woulda, coulda" means I’m out of time

Coz "Shoulda, woulda, coulda" can’t change your mind

And I wonder, wonder what I’m gonna do

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda" are the last words of a fool

I can’t change your mind…

||: Forever and a Day

Telling myself that it's all just a game

That's long since been played

Though this feeling remains

I've been keeping my spirits afloat

Lest I drown in the pain

No matter where I go

You are always on my mind

And even in my dreams

You are never far behind

I'm usually content with

The things that I've got

REFRAIN 1

But once in a while I get

Caught unawares

By the thought that I cared once for you

Remembering a love that once was true

And ever will my heart remain this way

Forever and a day

Trying to feel my way out of this maze

In the darkness I still feel

The weight of your gaze

And like a prisoner of war

I find myself counting the days

I pray that someday this will all come to pass

I'll wake myself up from the spell that you cast

And I'll soon learn my lesson

That all is not lost

REFRAIN 2

But once in a while I get

Caught unawares

By the thought that you cared once and then

Memories resurface once again

And ever will my heart remain this way

Forever and a day

So many words, I don't know which to choose

I could win back your love

But my heart I could lose

Though I'm glad that it's over

I'm missing you so I used to have all of the answers

But now, I don't know

And ever will my heart remain this way

Forever and a day

Music & Lyrics: Angelo Villegas

Vocals: Rachel Alejandro

||: Can't Cry Hard Enough

||: This morning, while doing rounds with my team, our team captain talked to the daughter and relatives of one of our patients who had a periampullary tumor. They were appraised of the patient's condition and how her prognosis was not good. Options as to surgical management were laid and the possibility of just doing a palliative procedure was explained.

||: It was not until they were told the theoretical "textbook" life expectancy of patients with periampullary tumors when I started noticing the patient's daughter wiping off tears from her face. She battled to remain resilient, however grief was winning over her, as can be seen by her facial expression.

||: I haven't had mortalities for the past few month (except for a high-risk PPU patient who didn't have any relatives with him and a Jane Doe who was multiply injured in a vehicular crash). Although this isn't a mortality, the grief I saw on the patient's daughter made me feel like it was.

||: This is why I'm reposting this entry from my old blog -- because these are the memories and emotions that the incident flooded my mind with. It's about my views on death and dying....

||: One of the things I hate doing most in the hospital is to pronounce the death of a patient to his relatives. Doing this really makes me feel horrible. I know how emotionally traumatic it is for a person from a non-medical field to see a loved one being resuscitated from an impending roadtrip with the grim reaper. As if witnessing this isn’t more than enough for them, I have to jab them with the info that our attempts to revive the patient have gone in vain, then following it up with the heart-stabbing fact that their loved-one is, uuuhhh, dead. Wouldn’t that make you feel repulsive? No matter how I try to make the pronouncement as condoling and sympathetic as possible, it still feels awkward each time.

||: I haven’t been in the hospital for the past 2 months, and during this "vacation", I haven’t seen and attended to any deaths. The other day was my 3rd day in the hospital after coming back from my so-called "vacation" in Jesus dela Peña and the City of River, and I had to pronounce the death of a patient to his wife and siblings. He was in his late 20’s, just about my age, and a multiple gunshot victim. The fatal shot was the one which entered on his right temporal area and exited on his left tragus. He expired 9 hours and 3 CP arrests later. Although his family was primed from the moment they arrived that he would not live, their muffled weeping still brimmed over with much sorrow when I told them that we could no longer revive him during his third and last arrest.

||: Pronouncing someone’s death may make my throat feel lumpy each time, but death is something that I do not fear. Having witnessed and being exposed to an assortment of ways to die have probably calloused my emotion from the fear of it. Although I do not want to die a violent death nor be resuscitated when I go into a CP arrest, I am not frightened by dying. My exposure to deaths may have helped me accept the fact that death is an inevitable end. Sorry if I sound crass and morbid, but this is an inevitable truth for all of us.

||: Some may just go ahead of us, but we all eventually get there… and we don’t know when. Everytime I witness the face of death, I am reminded of how short life is and how we should live each day as if it’s our last. Well, before I sound more and more cliché-ish, I would just like to share this song which I tell my friends to play during my funeral. Again, sorry for the morbidity of the issue, but this is what I really want to be played (or sung… I even already told my bestfriend to sing it for me if he lives longer than I do) during  my funeral.

||:  I first heard this song back in grade school. I was in grade 5 then, if I recall it correctly. This was written and sung by the Williams Brothers. Although the song is really a love song, it may well talk about the departure of a person who has touched someone deeply. This is how I want to live and be remembered. My frequent exposure to death constantly reminds me to live well… and each time, I do silently thank the patients for reminding me to live each day as if it were my last, and that their deaths are not in vain because it has deeply touched a life… mine.

||: Here’s the lyrics of the song, to help me make you understand much better why I like this song sung as I go into my final goodnight…

I’m gonna live my life

Like everyday’s the last

Without a simple goodbye

It all goes by so fast

And now that you’re gone

I can’t cry hard enough

No I can’t cry hard enough

For you to hear me now

I’m gonna open my eyes

And see for the first time

I’ve let go of you like

A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky

There it goes, beyond the clouds

For no reason why

I can’t cry hard enough

No I can’t cry hard enough

For you to hear me now

Gonna look back in vain

And see you standing there

But all that remains is an empty chair

And now that you’re gone

I can’t cry hard enough

No I can’t cry hard enough

For you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky

There it goes, beyond the clouds

For no reason why

I can’t cry hard enough

No I can’t cry hard enough

For you to hear me now.